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Thanks to Zumalove and her video, I've been listening to Gathering Pebbles a lot again. This happened when I first heard the album, I instantly locked onto this song. It makes sense to me that I did, since it speaks to me and where I am in life right now.

I feel that I'm quite literally trying to catch up to some of my friends. Some are married, some have pretty successful careers or successful relationships. A couple even have some kids. I'm 25 without an education, without a direction and without a significant other or my own family. Do I use these things to gauge happiness or self worth? No. Not at all. The issue is that I do eventually want these things. It's just that, until recently, I kind of waded through life without a care thinking that all this shit would eventually just come to me. I was seeing it happen for my friends, so I would just sit there and think "Any day now it'll be my turn." But my day has yet to come. I realized too late (at least late in my opinion) that if I want something I have to go out and get it. Things don't just happen. Maybe for some people, but most people have to work for what they have.

So now I'm working on it. I've decided on a career choice, I've started bettering myself to be at least the kind of person I would like to date. I've never felt like I should lower my standards, as far as people or jobs. Rather than bring myself a step lower, I should earn my right to say I deserve better. I'm not just going to settle. That's one of my biggest fears, just settling.

My other biggest fear? Failing. I'm scared to death that I'll choose a path and years later learn that I went the wrong way. In my mind, and I know this is stupid, if I'm going to do anything, I HAVE to get it right the first time. I have to "run the coarse without stumbling." I'm afraid to take chances, so I stay inside my safe little bubble. There's something I would do in school that I think of when I think about fear of failing. If I thought I was going to fail a class, I would either stop going to just not participate in any way. I thought that if I was making the choice to fail that I was taking the control. That's just suicide, though.

So when I listen to this song, I feel like I'm right there, pleading with those I love to wait for me. I'll get there eventually. What happens if I don't? Something has to give eventually. I either stay in my stale, childlike state and everyone evolves around me or I move forward and let go of safety and comfort until I make myself a home. I know what I have to do... and even if I don't know how to do it, I know I can figure it out... but the problem is just getting to that point where I can say "OK, I don't know where this is going to go, but I'm diving in head first." That, something that seems so natural to a lot of people, scares the fucking life out of me so much that I won't set foot near that cliff edge. I don't even want a glimpse of what might be down there.

But the second I let go... that's the second I'm on my way to something. I can either die trying or die doing nothing. I guess since we all gotta die, I better start trying something.